If you have been following Today’s The Best Day for a while – you already know how close to my heart the subject of infertility is. For those of you that are new, I invite you to check out my story and even the archives on our website about Infertility and Pregnancy. This is a subject that I have always loved to talk about because I know SO many women and couples that struggle with it on a daily basis.
I was married for four years and we were on our third fertility treatment of IUI. I had just walked out of the doctors office with my hopes as high as the sky, but with a dark fear that almost overpowered the good feelings. My husband and I had been struggling with infertility our whole married life, leading up to that moment, and it was hard to be positive. REALLY hard to be positive.
It is in my nature to be naturally happy. I like to laugh and I love being around people that make me feel good. In fact, I always try to surround myself with positive people, because I truly believe you can become like those around you. During this time in my life especially, I needed to surround myself with positive influences.
Now, not everyone probably wanted to be around me to be honest. I wasn’t really myself. I wasn’t really happy. I was quick to anger and quick to be offended. I was struggling with my physical body, but mentally too. I felt like every person that walked the earth was pregnant except me and I truly felt alone. I would cry at the drop of a hat and every conversation would circle right back to me not being pregnant.
If you have a friend, a cousin, a sister, a neighbor, a co-worker or even an acquaintance that is struggling with infertility – know that YOU can help. YOU can make them feel better.
I have a list of 10 Things You Should NEVER Say To Someone With Infertility Problems and then 10 Things You Should ALWAYS Say To Someone With Infertility Problems. These are simple, yet perfect ways to help someone who would do anything to have a baby.
YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY:
1. “EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY”: She knows everything will be okay – she doesn’t need to be reminded. She just wants to know that you care.
2. “AT LEAST YOU CAN ENJOY YOUR SLEEP NOW”: Never put down their problem. I can guarantee you she would do anything for a sleepless night. She is probably not sleeping much right now as she stays up dreaming and hoping for a miracle.
3. “TRUST ME, IT ISN’T EVERYTHING YOU THINK IT IS”: She knows that motherhood isn’t all rainbows and smiles – but when you want something so bad, the negative doesn’t matter. She is thinking about the cuddles, the hugs, the play dates, the smiles, the first words, the teaching, the books, the songs, the activities, the clothes, the bows, the shoes, the hair, the little features, the pictures, the baby bump – the list goes on and on.
4. “YOU CAN HAVE MINE”: Be positive in front of her. She doesn’t want yours – although she would do anything in the world to make them feel loved. She wants her own and she wants you to appreciate your own.
5. “MAYBE IT JUST ISN’T TIME”: Hmm… so when IS the right time? Some may struggle a year, some may go 30 years – nobody knows then the “right time” is. Whether they have been trying for just a few months or many many years – it doesn’t make it easier.
6. “SPEAKING OF TIME – YOU ARE YOUNG! YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME”: It doesn’t matter how old or young they are – if she wants a baby, she wants a baby. To her, every girl on Facebook and Instagram is taking pictures of her bump and announcing her pregnancy. She wants what they have… maybe even what you have.
7. “I HATE BEING PREGNANT”: Maybe the worst thing you could ever do. Now, I have been in both shoes. Infertile and pregnant – so I know how it is to be pregnant and how badly you want to complain. You can complain, but don’t do it in front of her. Complain to your husband or other friends that are pregnant. She doesn’t want to hear about morning sickness, backaches or contractions. She would do anything… ANYTHING… for all of that.
8. “YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT”: She wants her own – she wants to feel the baby inside of her. She wants to take the baby bump selfies. She wants to have an ultrasound. She wants to go into labor. She wants to stay in the hospital. Adoption is a great option {I hope to be able to do that one day myself!} – but don’t bring it up unless she does.
9. “HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO TRY?”: She is going to try until she becomes a mom. She is never going to give up and neither should you. Sometimes couples need to go on a “break” from treatments, but that doesn’t mean they are giving up forever.
10. “ARE YOU MAD THAT SALLY IS PREGNANT?” OR “ARE YOU PREGNANT?”: She isn’t angry that anyone is pregnant. She may cry – but that is because it hurts, it doesn’t make her upset with the person. She is happy for them, she just wishes her turn was next. AND never ask if she is pregnant. She will tell you when that happens… I promise.
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS:
1. SUPPORT ALL DECISIONS: Going through Fertility treatments is rough – it is hard emotionally, physically and mentally. Support her when she wants to try another round of medicine and support her when she wants to take a break. Through different treatment options, adoption, testing and other decisions – be there to agree with her and make her feel good in her decisions.
2. GIVE ADVICE WHEN SHE ASKS: The key words are “when she asks.” Try to keep your opinion to yourself until she asks what you think. Even then, be careful with your words and try not to be too pushy.
3. ASK THEM WHAT YOU CAN DO: So many times while I was struggling, I had good friends and family members ask what they could do for me. I was SO grateful for them! They will probably say there is nothing you can do – but it is nice to offer.
4. REALLY LISTEN AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND: I know it may be hard to understand how they feel, especially if you haven’t been through what they are experiencing. But most of the time, they just want you to be a listening ear. Some women like to talk about it {like me!} and get their feelings out to the world and others are more private and keep it within – neither are “wrong.” Just be there when they call and get ready to jump in your car when they need a hug.
5. MAKE THEM LAUGH: The best medicine in the world is laughter. Take her out and get it off her mind. Make memories and find that smile you know she has.
6. WRITE A NICE NOTE: I still remember the day I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma. It was the nicest little note, just saying she was thinking of me. It made me so happy knowing that someone out there knew I was struggling and still loved me.
7. EDUCATE YOURSELF: Sometimes the best thing to do is to know what in the world she is talking about. There is a lot of lingo that goes with “infertility” – IUI and IVF are just two that I use to have NO idea what in the world even were. Do your own research and find out what kinds of procedures and things she is going through.
8. TELL HER IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD: When we go through hard times, no matter what the trial may be – we just want to know that we are in the right – That it is normal to feel this way. Tell her it is okay to be sad. Tell her what she is going through is awful. Maybe you can even cry with her.
9. PRAY FOR THEM: This one is important and she probably won’t even know you are doing it for her – but I promise she will feel your prayers. Through the hardest days, she will feel comforted because of your thoughts and prayers for her.
10. BE THEIR FRIEND, NO MATTER WHAT: A friend is someone who is always there to listen, to laugh with and of course to make us feel better. Be that friend that does all three.
I am now a mom to a miracle girl – and she may be my one and only miracle I ever get in this life. Infertility is an ongoing battle, even if it appears not to be. A woman who has one child – may have wanted five. We truly never know what someone is going through or experiencing.
After being on both sides of this situation {infertility and being a friend to someone who struggles with it} – I know it can be hard to handle. I know as we follow these 10 Things To Do, we might be able to help someone with infertility on a daily basis and make today the best day for them.
Do you know someone who struggles with infertility? What have you done to make them feel better? – OR if you have struggled with infertility personally, what would you add to this list?
Don’t forget to share this with all of your friends and family – so they might be able to help someone that is struggling too!
Join the newsletter
Danielle is the owner of Today's the Best Day. She strives to provide creative and uplifting content in order to enrich the parenting experience for women everywhere. Danielle hopes to help you and your family to make every day the best day! 
Google+
J
January 14, 2015 at 3:51 am (10 years ago)Hi – Thanks for writing this. I agree with many of the things you’ve written here. But can I also just make a note about when you say: “She wants her own – she wants to feel the baby inside of her.”
I know you wrote you hope to adopt one day. But I just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t point out that “her own” is also something not to say to someone.
Adoption is “your own” child. And there are those of who decide to not have/continue treatment. That doesn’t mean we aren’t “dealing with infertility”. I’ve had family say that I don’t have a right to care/feel sad if I’ve decided to stop treatment and start the long adoption process. But that isn’t true.
I know you don’t mean that statement to be polarizing, I just have never read a top 10 list like this one here that *didn’t* say “her own baby” and I just wanted to point it out.
Congratulations on your little one. <3
YBeach
October 7, 2016 at 9:17 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for pointing this out. While I do have tremendous empathy for those who struggle with infertility, and appreciate this list… as an adoptive mother… reading that line hurt my heart. My adopted son is every much “my own” as my biological children. That statement is something that can be very upsetting to the parents, and even damaging to the child. I don’t think the intention was meant to be offensive… Rarely are people trying to be insensitive… but I just wanted to bring awareness to that comment.
Barbara
January 9, 2015 at 6:24 am (10 years ago)I can add one to the never list.
I can’t stand when people say “It
will happen when it is supposed to
happen”. Can someone please tell me
when that is? I have been struggling
with infertility for over 9 years and
it never gets any easier.
Megan
March 7, 2017 at 10:39 pm (8 years ago)I get that one a lot. We have been struggling for 7 years. And I hate hearing that
Sophie
November 11, 2014 at 1:46 am (10 years ago)Thank you so much for this article… I didn’t know if I was too intolerant towards the comments I was getting. A friend once offered to give us her baby if they were getting a boy again, I cried so much.
I feel judge too sometimes because we are not considering adoption at this point. It’s like they think if you reallllllly want a baby, just get one…it’s the same thing! No, not the same thing at all.
You made me feel like I wasn’t the only one having those feelings. Thank you again for sharing♡
Kristin DiCristofano
November 11, 2014 at 12:39 am (10 years ago)This is absolutely perfect. I am so glad I found this! Thank you! I’ll be adding this link to my next blogpost 🙂
Brie
September 26, 2014 at 3:53 am (10 years ago)This is a fantastic article and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing what so many of us have felt. One thing I would like to mention is in number 8 is the phrase “she wants her own.” I completely understand what you’re trying to say but perhaps a better way would be to say “she wants to experience pregnancy.” We adopted our first baby and then had a biological child and I can say with absolute certainty that they are both my own. Completely and wholly my own and both miracle angels who came to our family in special and unique ways.
Finally thanks again for sharing on such a sensitive and personal topic, it is always comforting and heartwarming to hear from sometime who understands.
amanda
February 18, 2015 at 2:12 am (10 years ago)Yes!!! I was going to say the exact same thing!
Nicole Sharp
September 17, 2014 at 1:22 am (10 years ago)I can’t stand it when people offer up their children! Like babysitting your kids makes my dream to have a child go away. Babysitting doesn’t fulfill my dream, it actually makes me want it more. Thank you for a wonderfully written post. You give me hope that one day infertility treatment will work!
Lauren
September 17, 2014 at 1:04 am (10 years ago)I am so glad that you wrote this. I have also been struggling with infertility. My husband has a kid from a previous relationship and that makes it so much more painful for me. I am also a high school teacher and have several girls that are pregnant which is also extremely painful. Even though I would not wish infertility on anyone, I now feel more “normal” when I have my random emotional breakdowns just knowing that their are others out there that are going through the same thing. I have even had one family member say that I need to quite “practicing”. Grrrr
Anke
September 11, 2014 at 6:31 pm (10 years ago)I came here via the “Do’s and Don’ts of a good mom”, and having been through the hell of infertility, I have to add my thoughts. Your post is great and so right, sometimes during those hard years I wanted to scream “shut up!” so often… you can add “maybe you’re trying too hard!” to your list.
My story started with a miscarriage when I was 30 years old, it was one day after I learned that I was pregnant. From total euphoria to desperation in the blink of an eye – but I was “still young” and thought I’d simply (haha) become pregnant soon again. Well, I didn’t. Even though we tried for two years, no new pregnancy. Then we contacted a doctor, I got a hormonal therapy – still nothing. We talked about adoption really soon because I am an adopted child myself. We went through the procedure to become a registered couple on the list of people waiting for an adopted child (that’s quite complicated here in Germany).
I had two IUI’s, both had heavy side-effects. A laparoscopy brought no diagnosis, and I have no idea why I can’t get pregnant. My hubby’s tests were all fine, as well.
Anyway, shortly after my laparoscopy (and 4 years after we registered for adoption), we got a phone call from the youth welfare service (that’s where you apply for adoption). A little boy needed a new family because his mom could not build an emotional bond with him. He was 16 months old. And we instantly fell in love with him 🙂
He’s been living with us for almost two years now, and he is our son – he even had the name we always said we’d give our child if we were to have a boy! A friend of us once said that some children need to make a detour until they find their right parents, and I really like that thought.
Sorry, this post is getting longer than I had planned *blush*… what I wanted to add to number 8 on your list: Adoption is very hard because it is such a long process, and it can be extremely expensive, too. We thought about adopting a child from another country because the chances of being chosen for a child are extremely low where we live. We were lucky because we said we would gladly adopt a toddler, not necessarily a newborn.
Now I am the mom of a happy, healthy toddler, and my husband and I love him unconditionally. Would it feel different if he was our biological child? I don’t know. But I was told one thing very often: “Once you’ve adopted a child, you’ll become pregnant”. Well, this one would go on my list of “things you should never say to adoptive parents”.
Cam
September 11, 2014 at 3:14 am (10 years ago)These are great reminders. I do not struggle with infertility but many of my friends do… I think those who do struggle should also try to be sensitive of their friends and family who are pregnant. I have (maybe had) a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a couple years, when I announced that I was pregnant, she pretty much shunned me and won’t even talk to me anymore. I always try to be very sensitive about the subject (not talking about my pregnancy, changing the subject when someone asks how I feel, etc. around her) so it really hurts MY feelings and almost makes me feel guilty that I’m pregnant when people react like this. I do know it must be hard for them, but sadly I can’t plan my family around my friends struggles. Good luck to all of those struggling with infertility.
VK
February 9, 2017 at 9:17 pm (8 years ago)Unbelievable. How can you be so selfish? So what if you have to hold back on your skiting and complaining in certain situations during your pregnancy! You’ll never know the utter pain and devastation that comes from the continual disappointment of month after month without any positive news. In some cases for years.. for ever… Perhaps like me with help you finally do get pregnant and miscarry at 10 weeks whilst friends due at the same time carry to full term. The pain of infertility is indescribable, it’s all consuming, it takes over your life. Be thankful for your blessings and show some genuine care and love for other women who struggle. The world doesn’t need more self servicing people trying to bag on us just because it’s inconvenient for them to pay a little thought and consideration towards our situation. Think before you post!
Martha
April 6, 2017 at 3:11 pm (8 years ago)I don’t think she meant to be insensitive. She did say she is trying to be sensitive to her friend. But she should not have to feel guilty about being pregnant, honestly? I think you misunderstood a little. One has to be able to see it from both sides I think. She is also a person with feelings, so it is not really fair to say that she is selfish.
Chelsea
September 10, 2014 at 7:47 pm (10 years ago)This is so perfect. We struggled with infertility with our first baby, and I felt so many of the same things as you. It was so hard to keep trying and to stay positive. It’s definitely a roller coaster of emotions. I wish all people could read this because it would help so much!
Jenni
September 10, 2014 at 7:21 pm (10 years ago)This is such a wonderful post, very beautifully written! I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but I do wish those that are lucky enough not to have the battle with it would stop and think before saying things that, to them, are throwaway comments but to those of us fighting infertility can upset us for days.
Christine Brown
September 10, 2014 at 6:40 pm (10 years ago)Been struggling myself for over two years! The worst comment and one I get A LOT Is “don’t stress over it, it will happen when you are not not trying” really really I mean I’m 38 and I can’t just turn it off!!
Kristen Brown
September 10, 2014 at 2:55 am (10 years ago)I loved this! Beautifully put Danielle! I feel like this is a big problem here in Vegas so this is great info! I would just add that we ALL as mothers {or as anyone} need to remember we can’t assume anyone has things easier than we do! Being a mother is the best gift but any way you get there is hard! As someone EXTREMELY fertile, I can say it’s hard when you’re taking almost every precaution and it’s the worst timing for babies but there you are looking at a positive test. You better figure out health insurance, providers, Dr.s, types of delivery Dr.s, dos and don’ts of pregnancy/motherhood, where you’re gonna live, how will you pay for all this with the $18 to your name, buying everything you need for the little one, etc, etc, etc…and you better do it now! But remember stress is harmful to the baby! I didn’t ask for either of my angels to come or to stay 4-9 days past their due date or to weigh 9-10 lbs {while I’m allergic to pain meds} or to sacrifice seeing my husband for months after each child to afford our life. But I’m completely obsessed with my littles and we made it work. I can’t imagine the heartache of infertility, single parenting, miscarriages or being a mother to a disabled child and I know I am incredibly blessed! I just mean that we should ALL be sensitive and pray for each other because we all have a hard time and cry ourselves to sleep at times. I appreciate that nothing was implied in this post to the contrary, just wanted to share my two cents. Rant over 🙂
Danielle Davis
September 10, 2014 at 2:04 pm (10 years ago)I LOVE LOVE LOVE what you said, Kristen! You are exactly right that EVERY woman has different trials. In fact, my sister and I always laugh and talk about how our trials are completely opposite! She has five babies and just can’t stop popping them out! And I worked so hard for my one and only. It doesn’t mean that she has it any easier than me – or that I have it any easier than her. We both have the hardest days! Thanks so much for sharing – it probably helps that your two babies are GORGEOUS and PERFECT in every way!! I can’t get enough of them! 🙂 Love your cute fam!!
Penny
February 9, 2017 at 9:28 pm (8 years ago)Kristen, why would you post to a page about what not to say to people with infertility complaining about your own ‘extreme’ fertility? You should be on that list of what not to say. Guess it’s further evidence that fertility does not correspond to intelligence.