The Anatomy of an Apology

From the moment you woke up this morning you have been communicating with others. Whether it is online, in person or via text message, you are interacting with others.

As you communicate with others you strive to convey your feelings through words and phrases. Throughout all of English, there is one phrase in the that is scientifically proven harder to say than any other. This phrase is two little words that if said more often could end wars, mend broken relationships and help us understand how to grow to be better people every day. Of course, the phrase we are talking about is “I’m sorry.”

Telling someone you are sorry for something you have done and truly meaning it can be extremely difficult, especially in relationships.

In my short 6 years of experience in my own marriage I have come to learn a few things about how to truly be sorry and how to effectively convey my desire to mend wrong doings with my wife.

Real quickly I would like to share with you how you can improve your communication skills in your relationship and understand how to give a true and meaningful apology.

Before we get started though, it’s important that we go over the basics. Everyone does something wrong every once in a while. In my youth, I thought to myself many times that I could do no wrong. It was the greatest day of my life when I finally realized how much I didn’t know and how much I had to learn.

A famous American author (Bram Stoker) once wrote that “we learn from failure, not from success.” It is foolish to think that you will make it through your whole life without committing any mistakes. You are a better person every day because you make mistakes and learn from them.

As a part of this learning process and making mistakes, everyone at some point must learn how to repair wrong doings by giving a heartfelt apology to those who we have wronged. Saying you are sorry can feel like the end of the world and there are many reasons why this is the case. However, each instance of heart felt sorrow is an opportunity to understand what went wrong and how to move on so it never happens again.

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” – Sophocles

We have lots of examples of apologies in recent history.

Celebrities are famous for behaving in unfortunate ways that can draw out public outcries. But are those apologies actually meaningful and sincere confessions of wrong doing or just a script their publicist gives them to put out the wild fire of controversy before the court of public opinion casts judgement.

Let’s take a look at an example or two and let you decide:

In 2013 Lance Armstrong, one of the world’s greatest athletes, finally admitted after years of speculation that he had used performance enhancing drugs. Throughout his career he had won 7 Tour De France titles as he battled against cancer. It was truly a remarkable comeback story but it was a story with a dark secret. A secret that Armstrong went to many lengths and ruined many lives to keep under wraps.

Oprah sat down with Armstrong as he confessed to his wrong doing and spoke of the “big lie” he was living for many many years. As ABC news reported on the interview they pointed out that his apology lacked “any kind of feeling” and remorse for what he had done. It felt as if he was just simply admitting guilt and was not interested in feeling remorseful for his actions.

Another example of a less than stellar public apology is from another sport legend, Tiger Woods. In 2009 the story broke about the golfer’s expansive infidelity towards his wife and family. Woods spent many weeks out of the public eye. During that time the media covered the story at great length and many disturbing details were uncovered and shared with the public.

Eventually, once Woods surfaced again, he gathered a room full of his closest family members and television networks and voiced his remorse for his actions. As he stood and read his prepared statement he shared his feelings of wrong doing and apologized to his wife, his family and his fans. However, like Armstrong, Woods lacked emotional depth as he read his well crafted prepared statement.

From these examples, we can learn that when attempting to apologize it is more important than to be sincere than to follow an apology script. Jimmy Fallon, from the Tonight Show on NBC, earlier this year poked fun at celebrity scripted apologies in a tweet.

With so many celebrity apologies this week, we went ahead and made a form letter… #FallonTonight pic.twitter.com/Jhc3w4DBnj

— Fallon Tonight (@FallonTonight) June 6, 2014

Is this the kind of apology you would want to receive from someone? I know I wouldn’t.

Turns out that even though we all wish we had a public relations firm drafting up the perfect apology for us when we make a mistake, we actually can do much better.

In just the next few paragraphs I have a proven method that you can follow to help improve your communication skills and deliver an apology better than any public figure ever could.

The real guts of an apology can be broken down into 5 key elements that are necessary to be considered genuine.

1. Recognizing that a mistake has been made.
For me this is the hardest part of the apology process. This is due to most of my behavior being, in my eyes, as always being correct. So many people spend the majority of their time only believing in one side of a story and forget to ask themselves if the source of their problem is actually themselves. If you are experiencing conflict and someone you know has harsh feelings towards you…stop. Take a second and ask yourself, “am I in the wrong here?” Every argument has two sides and once you take a step back and look at both you might just see some validity to the other person’s story. Remember, pride is a nasty thing. Be humble and if find fault in yourself, proceed to step 2.

2. Saying sorry for the unfortunate mistake.
Now that you understand that there could have been a better way to handle the situation on your end, it’s time to let the other person know it. Go to them and genuinely express that you are sorry for what you did.

3. Here is how I understand that I hurt you and plan to never do it again.
This step is probably the most important out of the whole process. This is where you will separate yourself from the public celebrity apologies. By telling the person your understanding of how you hurt them will allow them to see that you have given thought to what you did as well as how your actions affected their lives. Going through this step shows that you truly have depth and understanding of your behavior, instead of generically just saying sorry.

4. This is what I plan to do to make it up to you.
This always is my wife’s favorite part. In the business world when someone is inconvenienced in any way there always is some sort of compensation for the error. Remember the last time you were out at a restaurant and there was a bug in your food? How did you feel when the manager paid for your meal? Pretty awesome right? You bet. There is no better way to smooth things over than to do the same. Offer something the other party would enjoy to make up for the mishap.

5. Please forgive me.
It’s crucial to remember that after going through steps 1-4 you have done your part to be genuinely sorry. This final step is where the ball gets put in the other person’s court. It is now up to them to determine if your effort was a Lance Armstrong callous apology or if they will accept all that you have done to make things right. They are not obligated to forgive you and based on the severity of the problem there are sometimes consequences that take time to heal. However, my bet is that if you went the extra mile and showed your love for them they will begin to forgive your mistake.

This 5 step process may seem simple and easy but as you will see there are many who attempt to apologize but really fall short of the 5 essential steps.

My challenge to you is the next time your relationship comes to a tough spot and you need to make an apology, you try out these 5 simple steps to happiness. Ask yourself, is this a Tiger Woods apology? Am I just going through the motions or am I genuinely wanting to learn and grow from my mistakes?

I promise you that the more you take time to show love to those around you through these 5 simple steps that you will finally understand the genuine anatomy of an apology.

What do you think? Should there be more steps in this process? What helps you when you need to apologize to someone? I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below and let us know what we missed or other ways you improve your relationships every day.

Annnnnnnd, as always don’t forget to share this article and help someone else learn how to give a genuine apology.

Tyson is a contributing writer to Today’s the Best Day. He is a husband and father to two of the most beautiful girls on the planet. He loves, football, spending time with family and providing valuable content to help others have the best day every day.

Danielle is the owner of Today's the Best Day. She strives to provide creative and uplifting content in order to enrich the parenting experience for women everywhere. Danielle hopes to help you and your family to make every day the best day!

October 16, 2014 by Danielle Davis | 11 Comments