Healing After A Miscarriage

We waited about one week to tell our family and a few days after that we told all of our friends. We bought books and magazines and had a few doctor’s appointments with my OBGYN. I was 9 weeks pregnant by this point and it was a Sunday morning.

Several years prior to this, I was told it would be extremely difficult for me to get pregnant, if at all. In fact, I was told it would take a miracle to conceive. We were so excited that THIS was our miracle!

That Sunday morning, I woke up to a horrible feeling. Cramping, aching and spotting. We went to the Emergency Room and to much of our dismay, we were miscarrying our first baby. Words cannot describe how sad I was that day! To go from being on the highest cloud of happiness one minute and to be thrown down the next was a horrible feeling.

After many doctor’s visits and testing, I needed to have a D&C. This was the second D&C I had needed to have in my life, so I knew the protocol. I was admitted into the hospital and they knocked me out. It is a very quick procedure.

I was told recovery from a minor procedure like this was easy, so I expected to walk out of the hospital feeling fine. But the truth was – I was hurting. I was aching physically, mentally and emotionally. My heart was full of excitement for our miracle and within just a few hours – it was all taken away from me.

It was a dark couple of days. And those days turned into weeks. The weeks quickly turned into months. And the months turned into years. 4 years passed and I still hadn’t received my miracle that was once inside of me.

I was heart broken. I felt like I was doing everything in my life that I was supposed to and was questioning why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why are all of my friends getting pregnant and I can’t? I felt like I was almost being punished and I did not know why. I felt like the most important thing in my life, the goal that I had always wanted to achieve, was being withheld from me.

I was the girl that faked the smile at the baby showers, if I went at all. Sometimes it hurt so bad I couldn’t even find it in me to go. I was the girl that had to sign off Facebook, because I cried when I saw friends posting baby bump pictures. I was the girl that got angry when I saw moms take their children for granted. I was the girl that fell on my knees every night, praying that I would be a mom.

It took a lot of time for me to come to peace and be “okay” with my situation. I have compiled a list of 10 Things that helped me through this hard, most difficult season of my life. And how healing after a miscarriage really is.

1. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT: Women are so quick to blame themselves when something goes wrong. According to What To Expect, “Between 50 and 75 percent of miscarriages that take place within the first 12 to 14 weeks occur because the embryo or fetus was defective in some way.” You did not do anything wrong. Do not feel guilty or upset with yourself. Many times there is absolutely nothing you could have done.

2. TALK ABOUT IT: Often times when hard trials come our way, we shut down and don’t want to talk about it. Everyone handles the grieving process differently, but I found as I talked about it with others, more and more people could relate to me. Many women who I had no idea had experienced a miscarriage before, reached out to me and shared with me their stories. It was nice to have the support and to know I wasn’t going through it alone.

3. HOLD ON TO YOUR MAN: Keep in mind that you partner is grieving too, even if he seems okay. Men hate to see their wives in pain and they want to be there to support you. During difficult circumstances like miscarriages, infertility, finances, deaths and loss of work, it is important to cleave to our partners, rather than push them away. Stay a team and be there for one another.

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: It is easy to want to hide – but remember that YOU matter. Get up everyday and get ready. Go for a walk outside and get fresh air. Focus on your career or hobby. Eat good food and stay active. Do something every day that makes you happy.

5. HAVE A GIRLS NIGHT: There is something about GIRLS that just get GIRLS. Call a friend and tell her you need to talk. Get out of the house and enjoy a nice dinner, ice cream or a movie. You deserve it.

6. IT’S OKAY TO CRY: I found myself crying ALL the time. I was so emotionally unstable, I didn’t know what to do. Until one day my mom told me something that changed my perspective. She told me that it was okay to cry! My life was really, really hard. And every day,  I could allow myself to be sad for 10 minutes each morning. I could cry and have my own pity party for myself. But after those 10 minutes were up, I had to pick myself up and focus on becoming better.

I loved it. And I did it. And I challenge all of you to do it too. I know that it works! It is okay to be sad. And it is okay to cry. Your life is hard.

7. TAKE YOUR TIME: Don’t think you have to just “get over it.” It may take days, weeks, months or even years for you to find peace.

8. SEEK COUNSELING: If needed, there are counselors and doctors that are able to help through the coping process. Seek assistance and ask them questions. Sometimes the most comforting things that have been said to me, are by wise educated doctors who know my body and what I am going through.

9. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT: Never compare. Just because your neighbor “got over” her miscarriage in two days, doesn’t mean that you have to. Every situation is unique. Your life is different than theirs. We each will have our own struggles and trials.

10. REMEMBER, YOU ARE A MOM: The moment that little baby was conceived inside of you, YOU became a mom.

My husband and I decided to take a break from everything. It was becoming too emotionally, physically and financially draining. It was through much prayer and many blessings that I came at ease with our situation. I was able to focus on my career and we were able to strengthen our marriage. We were able to get more school done and saves some extra money. We became closer than we ever had before and I began to see the many blessings that I had in my life.

I realized that I wasn’t being punished, yet it was a blessing in disguise. Every single one of us go through trials for special reasons and when we finally figure out why we had to go through that trial, we then find true happiness! I learned a lot about patience and timing. I learned about happiness and the power of prayer. I saw our families concern and love for us and appreciated all of our friends who supported and lifted us up.

If you are struggling with a miscarriage or infertility at this time, know that you are NOT alone. Whether you were 4 weeks pregnant or 9 months along – a loss of a child is trageic. YOU are a mom. A beautiful, loving, GOOD mom.