The Keys To Your Relationship Through Infertility

“It will probably be very difficult for you to have children… if at all.”

I can still hear the doctor’s voice. There are some sounds and words that you just never forget.

My mom was with me and held my hand. Tears filled our eyes as we sat in the cold doctor’s office, just the two of us.

As you can imagine, I was broken hearted. My boyfriend was on a mission for our church on the other side of the world at the time and all I needed was a little comfort from him. I questioned myself, wondering if he would still love me, even if I couldn’t provide him with the family he always imagined? Will he still want to marry me, even if he couldn’t become a dad?

As a woman, being told you may not be able to have children, is probably the hardest thing to hear. You feel like your womanhood is almost taken away from you. I debated whether or not to tell him or how I could break the news to him. I knew if he was going to be my husband, I needed to share the news with him.

SO, I grabbed a piece of paper and pen… and I wrote him a letter! {While on a mission, we cannot talk on the phone for two years, we communicate strictly through email and letters} – and I told him about my experience.

When he received my letter from the other side of the world, he wasn’t sure how to respond. Looking for a kind way to respond to my letter – looking for support and a friend – looking for the words to use to tell me that he still loved me and wanted to be the one to hold my hand through infertiility, he asked his friend for advice.

And his friend’s response was something he NEVER expected to hear.

“You need to stop writing her. I would NEVER marry anyone who couldn’t have children.”

Ouch. Right?!

He didn’t listen to his friend. In fact, he wrote me the most thoughtful letter I have ever received and still have it on my night stand. When he came home from his mission he proposed one week later and we got married six weeks after that! We weren’t going to let infertility ruin our relationship!

Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway. – Earl Nightingale

Infertility was something that we, as a couple, knew we were going to have to face. It was something that was real, but felt so distant. I personally feel like you truly don’t understand how it feels to struggle with infertility until you actually LIVE it.

For many years we prayed for a miracle. Test after test. Blood work after blood work. Procedure after procedure. Through one miscarriage, eight failed clomid rounds, three failed IUI’s and one InVitro – I know how hard it is on a relationship between a man and woman who want to be parents so badly.

My husband and I are not perfect – at ALL. We have our hard days and weeks, but thankfully we are able to push through them. Today I wanted to talk about enduring the trial of infertility as a couple and share with you a few things that we do that help strengthen our marriage during the most difficult seasons of our lives. These are the keys to your relationship through infertility.

1. BE A LISTENER: I put this as number one because I truly think it is the most important key. As you go through any trial as a couple, often times we just need someone to listen. Put down everything, turn off the television and just talk. Hear what your spouse wants to say and listen with all of your heart.

2. MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT: It is crucial to remember that men and women handle situations completely different AND infertility can affect you differently too. Depending on who has complications, the male or female, someone is going to feel like it is “their own fault.” But please, let me tell you – It is NOT your fault. Don’t ever think that. Infertility isn’t ANYONE’s fault.

3. BUT THEY ARE SIMILAR TOO: I always thought that women had it so much worse through infertility, because I was the one who was pumping myself with medications, getting knocked out for procedures and getting blood drawn every day. BUT – it is so hard on the man too. Even if he is really brave and strong – he feels it inside of him.

My husband always wanted to be the strong one and didn’t show many emotions – but every now and then I get a little glimpse of how hard it is for him too. Know that BOTH of you are going through this sensitive time and you are equally struggling.

4. ASK QUESTIONS: Don’t always assume what your spouse needs to make them feel better. Ask questions – get them to talk and to open up their feelings to you. Ask them how they are doing and what they need from you.

5. MAKE A BUCKET LIST TOGETHER: After we struggled for a while, one night we came up with a Bucket List. A list of fun things for us to do together. As we started checking things off the list, it made life and our situation so much more fun! It got our minds off of baby and more focused on each other. We made the most memories and had the BEST times during those few years.

6. IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD: Sometimes you will cry. And sometimes you will just lose it in the most random places because it’s really hard on you!

In fact, one day I called my mom crying and I said through my tears, “MOM! Please tell me it is okay to cry!” And I will never forget what she said. She began to cry and through her tears as well said, “It is okay to cry. We can ALL cry together. This is so hard.”

It is hard. You are going through something miserable and heart-aching. Always remember we can ALL cry together.

7. FOCUS ON YOUR BLESSINGS: Write down a blessing EVERY single day. Grab a bowl and cut up pieces of paper. Every night before bed, write something you are grateful for and put it in the bowl. By the end of the year, you will have 365 blessings in a bowl. When you are sad, open them up and read the many things you are grateful for.

8. MAKE A PLAN: It is always nice to have goals in mind. To know how long you are going to try until you go to the next step. We made a plan that we would do clomid for eight months, three IUIs and if all of those failed, we then would go on to IVF. It was nice to know that we were progressing. That if one thing didn’t work, we would move on to the next and try again. There was never giving up.

9. BE A TEAM AND FALL IN LOVE AGAIN: If you get anything out of this article, I hope it is that you always remember to be a team…together. Fall in love with each other again. Go on fun dates! Travel a lot! Play games together! Create memories that will last forever! Hold each other! Catch each other when you fall! Make each other laugh! BE together and show love.

10. NEVER GIVE UP: The last and final key to your relationship through infertility is to never EVER give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on each other. Don’t give up on your marriage. Don’t give up on that special miracle that is waiting for you. You will be a mom or a dad one day – don’t ever lose hope.

Infertility is so common these days – I hear of a different couple having to go through it DAILY! I know how it feels.

I am so glad that my husband didn’t listen to his friend and has stuck with me the past 12 years! As women, we need our men by our sides to help us through these hard challenges we face!

After many procedures, we were so blessed to have our miracle girl. We treasure her every day! But we also know that our journey with infertility is not over. And as we are are in the process of makin’ baby number two – we are remembering these keys to help our relationship through a difficult time.

If you are struggling with infertility,  I want you to know that you are not alone. Stay strong as a couple. Be there for each other. Support each other. Love each other. You can get through this together!

What do you and your spouse do to help strengthen your relationship through infertility? I would love to hear your ideas!

Danielle is the owner of Today's the Best Day. She strives to provide creative and uplifting content in order to enrich the parenting experience for women everywhere. Danielle hopes to help you and your family to make every day the best day!

February 22, 2016 by Danielle Davis | 10 Comments