When You Want What You Can’t Have

The strangest thing happened to me a few days ago. Honestly, it wasn’t even anything I was going to talk to you guys about, but something inside of me is telling me to share it today – so here I go!

For the past few weeks I have been SUPER nauseas! Annoying, right?! Not the all-day pregnancy nausea, but it’s been a random nausea that kicks in almost every single night. Sometimes it’s gotten so bad it has woken me up in the middle of the night and I have to take a bath until I feel better. {Because let’s be real – baths heal EVERYTHING!!} Super weird though, right?

Anyways, we were going to go hot tubbing and Tys asked if I should take a pregnancy test before we went JUUUUUST in case that 1% chance that I could get pregnant without IVF or fertility treatments happened and I had a little babe in me that was causing me to feel this way! *always fingers crossed for that!*

I told him HECK NO!! And that I do NOT touch pregnancy tests anymore. I literally get sick to my stomach just thinking about those stupid things. I hate them. Those little sticks are a constant reminder of what my body can’t do. AND I am pretty sure in the first 5 years of our marriage I spent an entire house mortgage on negative tests. 😉 I haven’t bought one in years and I don’t plan on buying them anytime soon.

Well, guess what? Silly me, went upstairs and found one that I have had forever sitting in my cabinet and I took it anyway…and I immediately regretted it. Right after I peed on the stick, a big old NO showed up and my heart started pounding.

As I held this stick in my hand, I fell to the ground in the bathroom floor and started crying. I could feel the tears in my eyes piling up and one drop down my cheek. “WHY?!?” I asked myself. “WHY did I take that stinkin’ test?!”

Infertility is an ongoing battle. It’s weird because you would think because I have 2 miracle babies I would be totally content and fine with seeing a negative test. But oh my gosh – the pain does not go away! Even after going through this for 11 years.

I went downstairs and acted super tough & cool and said to T, “Nope! Negative! Let’s go hot tubbing!” But I couldn’t keep my cool long…within seconds of looking at him and saying those words – I lost it.

Here is the thing. I am in such a good place. I am so grateful for my two miracles. I honestly don’t even THINK about ever being pregnant because I know it can’t happen naturally for us – but this one little stick GOT TO ME! That little stick was a reminder of what my body can’t do. I would literally describe it as a slap in my face.

Over the next few days I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The sadness consumed me. I was so upset. I even cried to my sister about it. And my heart was aching.

But then I opened my phone to Instagram and a quote was at the very top of my feed – “Sometimes, you just can’t have what you want, but it doesn’t mean that you can never have it. Everything takes place at the right time.”

As soon as I saw that quote I KNEW I had to share this story with you all today. I LOVE that quote. I LOVE the peace it brought into my heart!

Besties, no matter WHAT you are going through. No matter what you are wanting. No matter what your heart is yearning for. No matter what you are thinking about & praying for & seeking after – just because you may not be able to have it today…doesn’t mean that you can NEVER have it.

I am grateful for HOPE. I am grateful for LOVE. I am grateful that sometimes in our darkest times, we may feel that the answer to our prayer is “NO” but often times the answer isn’t “no”… it’s just “not yet.”

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep your head up. I promise there is SO MUCH GOOD to come & your “not yets” will one day be able to be a reality.

xoxo Danielle

Danielle is the owner of Today's the Best Day. She strives to provide creative and uplifting content in order to enrich the parenting experience for women everywhere. Danielle hopes to help you and your family to make every day the best day!

August 21, 2019 by Danielle Davis | 1 Comment